i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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