hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
it's like iHOP with fire
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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