I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
