just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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