He uses pillows to masturbate.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
