I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
