Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
