she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
