So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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