i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
