k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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