It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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