He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize