I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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