If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
