I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You made out with two different species that night
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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