i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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