R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just cropdusted the office
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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