an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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