i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Randomize
