We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
