i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
