Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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