I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
