Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
