Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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