I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
