You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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