Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
