this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Randomize
