I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
