sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
