I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize