Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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