fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. ðŸ˜
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
