I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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