when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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