guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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