Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
