Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
