What a fucking waste of an outfit
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
