thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
