don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
