A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
