please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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