You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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