dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
