Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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