her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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