"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
