We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
