I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
