by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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