So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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