I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
