my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize