Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
