Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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