Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
