She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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