Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
