wanna go halves on a baby?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
