she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
