Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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