then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
