My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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